{closed} what a mess...

[hawkeyowa]

[The floods in Iowa, yet again, did a pretty decent amount of damage. While most of the water may be gone, that doesn't mean his room hasn't had its fair share of mess. The carpet is still soaked, as is the tile in the bathroom. His room alone looks like a tidal wave went through it not too long ago. There's boxes and papers and dirty dishes just about everywhere. A bag of dog food got tipped over at some point and Mitch looks a little heavier and much happier. And then there's Maddie, who has been a wave of destruction all on her own. Every corner in the place has some fecal matter in it, thanks to her.

On top of it all, there's Jack, who is in a Hawkeyes t-shirt from 20 years ago and a pair of boxers, slumped on his couch and snoring loudly. Floods take a lot out of him.]

Comments

[badgerbadassus.livejournal.com]

[ The blood was pumping in his head as he was beginning to have a dizzy spell - taking stumble forward he blanked out for just a few seconds before he shook his head. No, he had to keep control.

Even if his voice stayed the same, his expression seemed to shift. It's not like Gabe even realized it, while his body was twitching and almost looking like it was convulsing while he continued to clean. ]

I'm positive - I have no problems that weigh me down.

[hawkeyeiowa.livejournal.com]

Says the one having the seizure. Ya can cut the bullshit any second now.

[]

[badgerbadassus.livejournal.com]

[ Gabe continues cleaning while trying to keep himself under control - filling up that garbage bag next. Opening up another as he continued to work without a sound even if his body is violently shaking, he felt like he was going to throw up but no - throwing up would admit he was sick. He would admit defeat.

He swallowed the vomit mixed with alcohol and blood again with success before he spoke. ]

It's controlled and I'm focused on cleanin' your room. This first and I'll deal with my ... episodes later. [ He bit his tongue harshly at that, spitting as if he was disgusted with what he knew what was happening - he bit a bit too hard though - blood. He would push that down too. At least he's cleaning though. ]

[hawkeyeiowa.livejournal.com]

[]

Go take care of yourself first. This place can wait.

[badgerbadassus.livejournal.com]

[ He grabs the bag back, it's surprising for someone who has dropped in weight, looks like hell has enough energy to do that and look angry to keep cleaning. He is probably minimal in terms of taking care of himself, but it's enough to keep him from completely falling over. ]

That's stupid, it's just gonna pile up without anyone to check on ya. I won't be able to take care of myself until this is done.

[ There is some degree of truth of that, on a small note. But he tries to get back to cleaning. ]

[hawkeyeiowa.livejournal.com]

[]

Let's say you owe me for stabbing me in the hand. Only way to pay off the debt is to take care of yerself first.

[]

[badgerbadassus.livejournal.com]

[ Why did -

Having to mention that again -

He stopped shaking. The change was complete while he stared down, but he made some attempts to keep cleaning - it was a ... promise. A promise. He had to keep this for Lou.

It was the only way he had a use. ]

The only way I'd be forgiven for that is to be locked away. Let me clean this up and then I'll never bother you again.

[hawkeyeiowa.livejournal.com]

[]

That's not what I meant. You can bother me whenever the hell you want, but not like this.

[badgerbadassus.livejournal.com]

[ He tries to snap at him and appear threatening, to some degree he is but only because of how sick he looks, but he tries to continue cleaning either way by pulling out of his grasp. ]

I know you haven't forgiven me. I know you never will. You're going to use this against me for the rest of my existence, reminding me at every opportunity of what I did...

[ He nearly choked on his blood, gagging and swallowing it back down. It's interesting how calm he is, perhaps it's from bleeding though with his body relaxing from it. ] Not that it's your fault of course. It's not your fault. You're a normal and good person. That's why you're recognized for good things. That's why you're known for some good and normal things. [ He repeats that a few times, before he speaks another line. ] ... I'm not normal... I've ...come to terms with this. A monster that feels no empathy, run on pure selfishness, and insane. I ... have to keep my word to Lou - I don't want to take advantage of him and break a simple promise. Not after...

[ Not after he was treated normal. Maybe it would be a matter of time before that other thing did something rash tossing everything out of balance for irrelevant information, maybe it was only a matter of time before the monster he kept in for years went homicidal again, and maybe it was only a matter of time before the past he hid and intentionally forgot for years caught up with Gabe, ripping and tearing away the last shreds of sanity, individuality, and being.

And even if it was a little while, at least Lou didn't look at him with fear. Say he was scared of him. Insult him. Use him. Treat him like he didn't belong and look at him from a distance from what seemed to be behind a glass wall.

At least around Lou, he could play pretend and be treated normal.

He realized he spaced out, slipped off. ]

... I just want to do this promise for Lou, just this one thing I can do right... okay?

[hawkeyeiowa.livejournal.com]

[]

I said... That isn't what I meant. But, if you want to? I don't think I can say no.

[badgerbadassus.livejournal.com]

[ Perhaps it was the possibility that Wisconsin was always like this, but nobody picked up the signs. That if someone went close to and hugged him, he'd freeze and not move an inch until they let go. As a child, if he was scared of someone who had authority over him he'd simply fall over and look up at them expecting them to act. Or run away in fear, because if there was no safety in his life except when he was alone - perhaps - just perhaps that was the simple answer. The reason he didn't seek attention or ask help from anyone was the principle that each time he got attention from others, it was bad. It hurt.

In all respects, it wasn't anyone's fault he ended up this way but the meaning that Gabe's answer to everything was to freeze, run, hide, and snap. While those problems were pushed down, forgotten, while he gained a mask of civility, kindness, full of bold laughter and arrogance the moment someone grabbed him - terrified him.

That was he was scared to pull from his grasp, to use his all. He expected if he moved or broke from this restraint he'd get hurt. And why he just made small tugs instead of one big one he knew how to get out of.

Everyone is so nice to him, he was just too sensitive hearing the insults about being a psycho, a monster, a sicko, and not good enough.

Everyone is so nice to him. He is the problem.

Everyone is so nice to him. He is the problem.

Everyone is so nice to him. He is the problem. ]

... I just want to pretend I'm a decent person, clean your room and watch over you for a bit. Because your brother told me to because he ... didn't know how to ... approach you. [ His voice shakes now, as if something wants to come up - probably vomit but he pushes that back down again. ] You're lucky to have a brother like that. I just want to play this a little longer, that I can pretend to be a good ... brother too.

/angst icon ahoy

[hawkeyeiowa.livejournal.com]

[]

So... Do you hate me? Is this just something you have to make up to my brother because I fucked up? []

Re: /angst icon ahoy

[badgerbadassus.livejournal.com]

[ Hearing that made him ache, the expression that Jack had hit him hard. His problem in the world was not that he was a callous monster, it was the fact he cared too much. He remembered in theihis early years, aching, in pain, crying quietly as they attempted to grasp and recover. THey remembered how the missionaries were pushed out and more the fur traders became cruel, how disease and aggression began to run rampant again. How the father they trusted ordered without hesi -

He had no time for memories or thoughts. They all lingered unhealthily on the past, present, the future - it was a plethora of worries. He learned long ago, while Wisconsin had it's dreams and ideals that this was reality. Nobody cared about Wisconsin, they were all self centered and he was most of all for wanting someone to be there for him. Even if someone were to ask what they wanted, they would reason it to be their own desires instead. He learned one too many times, as he approached his representatives all those years ago.

His heart sunk, the state asking if ... he was hated. He couldn't look at him firmly while rubbing the-his head, he felt so dizzy but he needed to keep cleaning up.

Focus on that. So Gabe did just that. He swallowed more blood and he felt like his stomach was filled to brim with it but he wouldn't throw up. After all. The monster of all people knew how to hold down blood and flesh better than most. ]

I don't hate you. If... I hated you, I wouldn't help you. Nobody hates you, and nobody should be left al -

[ He nearly gagged up at the blood coming up with stomach acid but swallowed it back down as he shook. He would speak again. ] No one... in need should be left alone and helpless.

[hawkeyeiowa.livejournal.com]

[]

Then it isn't just for me, is it? You've been holdin' something back the second you got here. [] Somethin' is wrong with you, 'cause it doesn't sound like you're talkin' about me anymore.

[badgerbadassus.livejournal.com]

[ THeirs hand removes itself from THeirs face to stop rubbing his forehead. THey doesn't want to show what is underneath theirs hair. So they removes the hand carefully, not to show that disgusting face. A laughter, so tired, so exhausted. Jack was right. Sven. Vince. Griff. Eli. Lena. Burch. If Yooper saw theirm perhaps ... even he would agree with those words if he were able to speak properly.

you for even showing your face.

like you.

THey stared at Jack while continuing to toss everything into the garbage, how ironic that they wewas picking up someone's else trash again. ]

... I stand by what I said. I don't hate... anyone. None of you ever did wrong. You're good... that's why he asked to check on you. That's why someone is there for you... [ Shaking voice, while they had a distant look on theirs face, theirs eyes couldn't even focus anymore. ] But... you're right. Something is wrong with me. There ... always was something wrong with me, huh?

he looked high in that icon

[hawkeyeiowa.livejournal.com]

[]

Then why aren't you tellin' me anything? 'Cause I seriously forgive ya, and I don't mean for what happened last winter. I mean... [] ...For Burlington, and for pushin' the Black Hawk War my way, and whatever the hell else you feel bad for. I know that isn't all that's gettin' at you, but I mean, even if it helps? I really do forgive ya. Ya don't owe anything to me, and I don't think anyone else is gonna hold ya to anything either, especially my brother.

[]

HE DOES. :| To be fair, Gabe is sorta high constantly anyway.

[badgerbadassus.livejournal.com]

[ He managed to get complete control again, although there was a lot of scratching from the inside that wanted to tear away but he had to keep inside. He had to. His eye still couldn't see clearly though, Jack was just but a blur in front of him. But it -

will be. Hasn't Lena and Yooper said the same promise? Hasn't Lou said the samething to you? Remember Burch, as he attacked you, trying to kill you for his personal escape? Let's not even forget that boy who threw his desires on you and tried to commit suicide afterward.

No one cares about , they only see what you can to them.

I'm sure if there were was in a way someone would know how your mind works, they'd be too. You should just disappear and let m-

Go to hell. You're not right. Jack... didn't mean it like that. He couldn't have meant it like that.

JGabe glanced at Jack, but soon went back to work - moving his hair to the side of his face. If he saw the scar there that covered his face and went down his neck ... who cares? Maybe it would just shock Iowa into silence and he'd simply not ask about it. That's the plan, it'd be the elephant in the room. Unaddressed by apathetic minds.

Speaking again, there was less of shake than before while he cleaned, but it was because he had enough strength to push the back. ]

Thank you for ... well, forgiving me. [ ] But I just don't have anything to talk about, not anything that is relevant to the present time anymore at least. [ Continuing to tie up that knot with the garbage bag before moving onto another one. ] But your brother loves you. He cares for you. It's the least he can do and I ... want to do it too.

[hawkeyeiowa.livejournal.com]

[]

How could you have possibly forgiven me?

[badgerbadassus.livejournal.com]

[ It sunk in and it hurt him badly, seeing Jack crack like this looking like he was going to fall over.

Wisconsin stops cleaning and moves to keep him steady to keep him from looking like he was going to collapse. He's sick after all. Given this logic is terrible since their condition isn't all that good.

But he pulls him close to him anyway and motion him to sits down on the couch, all while gulping down that vomit mixed with blood trying to comfort him. It was hard, but he had to prove wrong. ] ...Jack? It was years ago. People died but I still... overreacted.

[ He did. He had to have overreacted in every shape and form.

Nothing could have been done to make them pay attention.

I know how they treated it. Just shut up for a minute and let me help him.

]
Jack? Don't let the guilt eat you... alive... It's all right. It was just... words. Words to dead people that won't come back.

[hawkeyeiowa.livejournal.com]

[]

...Because th-they were charcoal, right? I said that. [] I said that.

[badgerbadassus.livejournal.com]

[ Rubbing his back, trying to push away those insecurities and work with him. It was duty to help others and Jack was in trouble now.

Reaching into theirs pocket, taking out a handkerchief and moving it to the mess of a man's eyes. He felt nothing but pity and sadness for him, even if wanted to lash out and hurt theirs neighbor.

He wouldn't allow it. ]

... Yes. They're charcoal. A bunch of melted bodies, bones welded together by flame and not alive anymore. They've been dead for over a hundred years. It's sad but it's true. I overreacted and lost control. I'm sorry. Don't... feel bad.

[ Attempting to wipe his eyes still while he says that. ] Don't be sad for them, all right? They're dead.

[hawkeyeiowa.livejournal.com]

[]

You can agree with tha-- []

[badgerbadassus.livejournal.com]

[ Too bad he is so socially inept that he can't actually properly comfort poor Jack. The sad reality is he - none of forgot what happened. It scared , it terrified , it made him feel like a failure.

Get out.

He continues to rub his back while he sits next to him, trying to calm him to the best of his ability. Continuing to wipe his eyes while trying to be a comfort. ]

... Jack, you need some rest okay?

[ He is trying his best to be a good older brother, because he had to be that in place of Lou... right? A good person in general. It's hard while he rubs his back and Jack's painful cries. ] It's all right, they're gone and... that's... everyone had something like that happ-

[ His voice is beginning to shake now, quickly opening another bag to just vomit. It is a painful sickening sound, the scent of blood and stomach acid unable to be described - but he held it in long enough. Rinse and repeat two more times before he comes to again. ]

... Bad things happen to bad... states right? And sometimes...it's because they were so bad that's... why they didn't get any help. So don't be sad about this... all right? It was my responsibility and... I couldn't save them. My responsibility.